can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
