i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
