I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
