why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
