Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
