You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
