How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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