i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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