Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
