Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
