I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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