fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
