I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
MIDGETS
????
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
