The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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