Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
