I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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