Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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