just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
