I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
