Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
