Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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