my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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