Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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