im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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