she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Randomize
