meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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