That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
