why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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