I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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