Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
