wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
