I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
the day after is always just damage control
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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