I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
