everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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