Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
