Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
The beer is more important than you right now.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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