Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
