My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
