all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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