I think I just saw someone hide a body.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
