i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
She's the barista slut.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
