I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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