the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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