I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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