the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
