She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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