my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My balls are so social today.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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