A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
