She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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