people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
