She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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