He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
