no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
